The months trudged on and on. We made it through a Thanksgiving, a Christmas, birthdays, and an anniversary via phone calls, emails, limited video chatting, and packages. The soldiers were allowed one two-week leave to come home during their deployment, and Braden had already taken his emergency leave, so we most likely would not get the opportunity to see him in person again until they returned from Iraq. Since his emergency leave was only about a month after he left, he tried to get permission for another leave, but his commanding officers had a whole battalion to organize leave for, and those who already had leave were not high on the priority list. We braced ourselves for the inevitability of not being able to be together again until the whole unit returned, which meant Braden would miss nearly the entire first year of our son's life.
It's difficult to explain what it feels like to not see your husband for almost a year. Not only did half of my heart feel like it was missing, but part of my identity was confused as well. I was a single mother, but not. I was learning to be an independent woman, proud of my growing abilities to take care of myself and my kids alone, but also feeling an enormous need for my husband there. I was discovering how many things I actually could succeed in on my own, and yearning to not have to accomplish those things without him.
And our kids. Our beautiful babies. Those first years are so crucial for forming bonds between parent and child. Would they know their daddy at all when he got home? Would they be afraid of him and cry when he tried to hold them close, or would they somehow connect the photographs and sound of his voice to the man I told them was Daddy? I started praying for a miracle. I knew it was so unlikely and there was no plausible reason it could happen, but I began to pray daily that Braden would come home, some way, somehow. I couldn't get it out of my head and heart that he would be home soon. We needed him home. I had to see his face and smell him and hold him or I knew I would lose my mind. I ignored all logical reasoning and focused on the idea that Braden would be home soon. God had performed bigger miracles than this for us and I pleaded with Him to do this one other thing for me. I had faith it would happen.
But phone call after phone call Braden told me his commanders could not allow him to take another leave. It was nearing the cutoff date for the soldiers to be able to take leave at all, and Braden told me the remaining spots were filled. I felt my hope deflating, but continued praying for a miracle.
During one phone call, Braden told me we wouldn't be able to talk for a few days because his duties would take him off the grid for a while. I was so disappointed. I lived for our every-other-day phone calls and email chats. But I took it like a good soldier's wife and told him to call when he could and I'd talk to him soon, then hung up the phone and kept myself busy to numb away the fear and disappointment.
Frequently, during the hardest times, my neighbors and family would rally around us to show support and help us through. After a few days with no contact from Braden, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law showed up at my door with a plate of cookies and to chat. I was very happy to have them there for yet another distraction, and we were a few minutes into our visit when someone else knocked at the door. My little brother opened it and stood there silently for a second, then opened the door wider.
Braden stood on the doorstep, dressed in his soldier's uniform, breathtakingly handsome, and slightly unsure whether to just step inside or wait to be invited. I sat on that couch for about one millisecond registering who this visitor was, and the next second I had launched myself into his arms, nearly knocking him off of his feet. This was a dream. It had to be a dream. I had dreamed about this moment so many times I was temporarily disoriented, checking myself and my reality to make sure that this was, in fact, real. And it was, he was. I was holding him, smelling him, kissing him, and he was REAL. Really here, really home, really mine. And we were really together once again.
I was laughing and crying, everyone else was laughing and crying, and someone choked out, "I've never seen her move so fast!" And thus began two weeks of heaven on earth.
