An Ending, and A New Beginning

I started this blog with a lot of hope for the future. Things were going so well, and I was excited to share all that we had learned, wanting to uplift and inspire others with stories of healing and tools to make it through hard times. I still want to do that, but it will be through different means than I originally thought, for life has turned in a very different direction.

That's one lesson life never ceases to stop teaching me: it is unpredictable.

I have a new direction now, and new hope for the future. I have peace and joy in the decisions I have made, even though they are hard, and that confirms to me my decisions are right. We cannot control the decisions of people around us, but we can control how we react to them. Decisions were made in my life and I had to choose peace and safety for myself and my children over making others happy. I have no regrets.

All is not lost. There is always redemption. There is always the healing power of the atonement, and there is always hope.

I choose to be grateful for all I have learned and move forward with faith and excitement for all that the future holds. Join me on a new journey, a new beginning still focused on living a life of progression where we inspire each other to do and be better each day.

Let's continue on our journey of always and forever choosing the light.

 “Behold, I am Jesus Christ, whom the prophets testified shall come into the world.” (3 Ne. 11:10.) “I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.” (John 8:12.)

Our Journey #8: Homecoming

Just a couple months after his surprise leave, Braden was home at last! We went through the regular military rigmarole of  being told one homecoming date, then it would be moved up, then moved back. I felt like a slinky being yanked back and forth, marking and remarking my calendar, then giving up on marking anything. But the actual day finally arrived, and I'd never felt more happy, excited, and anxious all at once. All those feelings I'd bottled up over the last year-and-a-half were bursting from me at that point. All the anxiety I'd had for his safety, the joy I looked forward to with having him home for good, the fear that something would go wrong the last minute, and that tiny nagging feeling that I did my best to ignore that we would both be so different after this time apart that it would be hard to maintain our happily ever after for very long.

We drove to the airport wearing our red, white, and blue outfits, welcome home signs in hand. We parked the car and were directed right out on the runway behind a rope barricade with all the other expectant families and friends. The summer sun beat down on us and we stood there for what seemed like hours, gazing into the bright sky expectantly, pointing and squealing at any dark shadow that crossed our field of vision, then sighing when it turned out to be a bird or a trick of the sun on our squinting eyeballs. Finally, a dot appeared in the sky, growing larger and circling around us. The crowd stirred and everyone got to their feet, waving and cheering. The plane landed and taxied to a stop a few hundred feet away. We were instructed to stay behind the rope until our soldier found us to make things more orderly, but after about the fifth soldier, we couldn't take it any more and surged around the plane. One after another, soldiers disembarked seemingly in slow motion. Our group headed to the back of the crowd so we could see the soldiers as they first stepped out of the aircraft.

It seemed like Braden must have been sitting in the very back of the plane it took him so long to show up on those steps. But then I saw his familiar shape, the certain slope of his shoulders, that specific tilt of his head, and I grabbed one kid in each arm and ran. I headed around the edge of the crowd and intercepted him. The last true test was the kids, and they went straight from my arms to his. That was the icing on our joyous homecoming cake. I felt giddy and oh so happy. We all hugged him hard and then dragged him to our group for more hugs and kisses and happy claps on the back.  After interviews with a couple local TV stations (our family was too adorable to resist of course), we headed home for good. Finally.

We went to eat with some family and attended an awards ceremony Braden's battery arranged. We rode on a fire truck in a parade, and eventually made our way home to where friends and neighbors lined the street, waiting to wave hello and welcome our soldier home.

The majority of this homecoming excursion, Braden was fairly quiet and contemplative, and I was just happy to be sitting next to him. One part of our conversation does stand out in my mind, however. Soon after we started driving home, I chattered about how excited I was to have him back. Braden was also very excited and happy to be home but mentioned how weird it felt to be home for good. This didn't concern me too much because I understood it would take some time for adjustment.
Family members had attended a training of sorts before the soldiers returned. We'd been told the possible struggles the guys might go through readjusting to civilian life, as well as the possibilities of some of them developing Post Traumatic Stress. They gave an extremely low percentage for that possibility--somewhere around 17%--so I dismissed that worry and paid close attention to the other information on helping the soldiers adjust to reentry into this very different world than the one they had lived in for the past year.

I felt prepared and ready to be patient and helpful in order to make Braden's transition as smooth as possible. And the first few weeks of having him home did go fairly well. Little did we know that, for our family, the war was just beginning.

Our Journey #7: Wounded

Once more, we crammed in all the quality family time we could during Braden's surprise leave. Some friends and family came from out of town to visit and play, and we had an early Easter celebration so Braden could be there for at least that one holiday. The weather was wonderful and I felt whole again with my other half by my side. The kids were also pleased to see their daddy. Our daughter recognized him right away, though she was confused for a bit that he was here in person and not just on the TV in home movies or in a picture on her pillowcase. Our baby boy was simply content to have yet another person to play with him and give him attention.


One hitch in all the happiness was the injury Braden had received a few months before in Iraq during a patrol. Braden had done a wonderful job lying to me during this year, telling me he spent most of his time on base defense, sitting "safely" in the base towers keeping a look-out. The truth was, he took his turn on patrols just like everyone else, encountered IEDs (Improvised Explosive Devices), RPGs (Rocket Propelled Grenades), and other kind of attacks regularly. On the way back from one of the patrols, an     Al Qaeda sniper opened fire on the truck Braden and his comrades were riding in. The driver got them to base as fast as he could, and, upon reentry into the base, ran over a tank track speed bump. At the speed they were going, the guys in the back were thrown into the air as they went over the bump. Braden landed hard on the wooden seat, dislocating his tailbone, throwing out his SI joint, and compressing a couple of the discs in his neck.

This happened the previous December, and all Braden knew at the time was that he had extreme hip and back pain. He went to the base doctor who gave him some ibuprofen and sent him back out on duty. When Braden came home from leave, we took him to a civilian doctor who discovered the tailbone and hip injuries. We found the neck injuries soon after his deployment ended. Because so much time had passed without proper treatment, the injuries became a permanent chronic pain fixture for Braden.

While his injuries were a bummer (pun intended), we focused less on his injuries and more on the fact that we were together again for a moment, and this time saying goodbye was much easier. We knew we would be together for good in just a few weeks, and after what we had endured already. a few weeks was nothing.

Post Script:
With Memorial Day weekend upon us, we would like to send out a salute to all the fallen soldiers who have given their lives for our freedom. Braden frequently says, "I'm not a hero. The heroes are the ones who did not come home." Our condolences also to those who have lost loved ones to war. We honor you as well.

Our Journey #6: Surprise!

The months trudged on and on. We made it through a Thanksgiving, a Christmas, birthdays, and an anniversary via phone calls, emails, limited video chatting, and packages. The soldiers were allowed one two-week leave to come home during their deployment, and Braden had already taken his emergency leave, so we most likely would not get the opportunity to see him in person again until they returned from Iraq. Since his emergency leave was only about a month after he left, he tried to get permission for another leave, but his commanding officers had a whole battalion to organize leave for, and those who already had leave were not high on the priority list. We braced ourselves for the inevitability of not being able to be together again until the whole unit returned, which meant Braden would miss nearly the entire first year of our son's life.

It's difficult to explain what it feels like to not see your husband for almost a year. Not only did half of my heart feel like it was missing, but part of my identity was confused as well. I was a single mother, but not. I was learning to be an independent woman, proud of my growing abilities to take care of myself and my kids alone, but also feeling an enormous need for my husband there. I was discovering how many things I actually could succeed in on my own, and yearning to not have to accomplish those things without him.

And our kids. Our beautiful babies. Those first years are so crucial for forming bonds between parent and child. Would they know their daddy at all when he got home? Would they be afraid of him and cry when he tried to hold them close, or would they somehow connect the photographs and sound of his voice to the man I told them was Daddy? I started praying for a miracle. I knew it was so unlikely and there was no plausible reason it could happen, but I began to pray daily that Braden would come home, some way, somehow. I couldn't get it out of my head and heart that he would be home soon. We needed him home. I had to see his face and smell him and hold him or I knew I would lose my mind. I ignored all logical reasoning and focused on the idea that Braden would be home soon. God had performed bigger miracles than this for us and I pleaded with Him to do this one other thing for me. I had faith it would happen.

But phone call after phone call Braden told me his commanders could not allow him to take another leave. It was nearing the cutoff date for the soldiers to be able to take leave at all, and Braden told me the remaining spots were filled. I felt my hope deflating, but continued praying for a miracle.

During one phone call, Braden told me we wouldn't be able to talk for a few days because his duties would take him off the grid for a while. I was so disappointed. I lived for our every-other-day phone calls and email chats. But I took it like a good soldier's wife and told him to call when he could and I'd talk to him soon, then hung up the phone and kept myself busy to numb away the fear and disappointment.

Frequently, during the hardest times, my neighbors and family would rally around us to show support and help us through. After a few days with no contact from Braden, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law showed up at my door with a plate of cookies and to chat. I was very happy to have them there for yet another distraction, and we were a few minutes into our visit when someone else knocked at the door. My little brother opened it and stood there silently for a second, then opened the door wider.

Braden stood on the doorstep, dressed in his soldier's uniform, breathtakingly handsome, and slightly unsure whether to just step inside or wait to be invited. I sat on that couch for about one millisecond registering who this visitor was, and the next second I had launched myself into his arms, nearly knocking him off of his feet. This was a dream. It had to be a dream. I had dreamed about this moment so many times I was temporarily disoriented, checking myself and my reality to make sure that this was, in fact, real. And it was, he was. I was holding him, smelling him, kissing him, and he was REAL. Really here, really home, really mine. And we were really together once again.

I was laughing and crying, everyone else was laughing and crying, and someone choked out, "I've never seen her move so fast!" And thus began two weeks of heaven on earth.

Our Journey #5: Being Real Some More

We had a beautiful two weeks together with Daddy home. We felt so happy to be together with our brand new baby boy and sweet little girl. I was recuperating, so we spent a lot of down time together just hanging out, while still fitting in time with family as well. The two week leave had to come to an end, however, and eventually, we once again said goodbye.

From Micki's journal, August 2005:
We took Braden to the airport [this morning.] It was the hardest goodbye yet. We all hugged him and took pictures. Then we left everyone else in the terminal and walked over to the security check. I did really well until he went through the checkpoint, then I turned around and started bawling and didn't stop until the plane was long gone. After Braden got on the plane he put his hand up against the window and I just watched it until I couldn't see him any more.

I just had to share this other journal entry of mine because it made me laugh to read it and shows some of the reality of my post-pregnancy, hormone adjusting, husband-missing self:

From Micki's journal, September 2005:
What a rotten day. I'm sick, my girl is sick, and now my boy is getting sick, too. [At this point, I go on a bit of a rant about how irritated I am at my siblings for bringing germs home from school, and it's quite mean and insulting, so I'll refrain from sharing here.] My daughter decided to take off her poopy diaper and run around the room with crap hanging off her butt and falling on the floor. And I've been messing with my stupid insurance all morning trying to get my ultrasound payed for that happened in MARCH!!! Nobody around there knows what's going on with it and neither does the hospital. My husband is risking his life and missing a year and a half with his family and they can't even pay for my ultrasound!!!! Which they claim is not medically necessary. If I was a swearing person...!&#@!!!#!!!!!!!!. I started to cry about it all and my little girl was very concerned. She said, "Mama, ky?" (Mama cry?) and then started saying "nose." It took me a second to figure out she was talking about getting me a tissue. She climbed off the bed and got the box of Kleenex and brought it to me. My little sweetie. She never does mean to be naughty. I miss my Braden so much. I just want him here for just a minute to hold me and tell me it will be okay.

Great. My daughter just took off her diaper again and peed on the floor. I think I'll go bang my head against the wall, now.

Ahhh, memories. So glad that's all they are now.

Our Journey #4: Being Real, and Having a Baby

While I worked hard to have a good attitude and gratitude, I had many days where I felt very done with it all. It became increasingly difficult to look on the bright side. As my belly grew, I began more and more to "look forward" to having my son without my husband by my side. While soldiers are permitted to go home for life-threatening emergencies, children's births are unpredictable and most soldiers aren't able to make it home. I started to get a little panicky at the prospect of having a child alone. Yes, my mom and other family members were there, but it wasn't the same.

The birth of our daughter was fairly traumatic. Preeclampsia hit me very hard and very quickly, and I had to be induced a month early. Braden was such a rock during that time. He was my support, advocate, and protector. I didn't know how I would manage having our son without Braden there. My patience wore out the closer it got to my due date, and my sweet family had to put up with the wrath of witch-woman more than once.

I again developed preeclampsia, but this time we were watching for it. Since we caught it early enough, I was put on bed rest and didn't have to be induced as early as with our daughter. I don't know how I would have survived without being able to live with my family. My 19-month-old daughter was such a whirlwind, and she was kept busy and out of my way by my wonderful family so I could rest and care for her little brother and myself. But still, I was so frustrated I had to deal with this while the other half of my heart was in Iraq.

I've learned, however, that hardships are frequently blessings in disguise, and my sickness ended up being one of the greatest blessings of my life. We discovered that preeclampsia was considered life-threatening, so the Red Cross would fly Braden home and he would be able to be there for the birth!

I cried and prayed and gushed gratitude to my Heavenly Father for this miracle, and on August 13, 2005, after a five-day journey, Braden was home. Very soon after, our baby boy came into the world to meet his daddy, mommy and big sister all together, as it was meant to be.

Our Journey #3: To Iraq

Once again, we squeezed every moment of quality time we could into the ten days we had with Braden before he left overseas. The day his unit left, we gathered with family at the armory, along with all the other soldiers and their loved ones. We sat in the gym, visiting and trying to ignore the clock as it ticked ever closer to the time we would officially say goodbye. Braden gave special attention to our baby girl, who was feeling slightly fussy and wanted us all to go home. Oh how I understood and agreed with her.

The buses pulled up and the soldiers began loading their duffle bags. Braden and I both felt so weary of goodbyes. We weren't sure if our hearts could handle any more, but, as always, we did what had to be done. All the soldiers hugged and kissed their loved ones and loaded the bus. I remember watching Braden's every movement as he loaded his bag and walked around the front of the bus. I remember squinting through the tinted bus windows, trying to make him out through the muted, identical shapes of buzz cut heads. The buses left with a fanfare of firetrucks and police cars with sirens wailing. I know it was meant to be a salute, but it felt so morose and I couldn't help thinking of the events those sounds are usually connected with: disaster, destruction, and death.

We watched until the buses turned the corner out of sight, then loaded ourselves into our vehicles and headed home. We talked very little, and, though I felt like my soul was being ripped in two with one half of me heading clear around the world, I was also so grateful I was going home to a place where loved ones surrounded me to support and lift me up. So many spouses were heading home alone, or with a brood of children to care for all on their own. I had no reason to complain or feel sorry for myself. Thousands of wives had done this same thing, some of them multiple times, and I very likely had more resources and support than most of them. If they could do this, I certainly could. And I could do it with a happy heart, a smile on my face, and the knowledge that someday, this would all just be a memory to look back on and learn from. I knew that someday, God-willing, Braden would be home again in my arms and the war would be over.

Armed with this attitude, my faith, and the support of so many around me, I faced this challenge head-on, striving to fight my daily battles with as much courage as my soldier did on the other side of the world. "One day closer" became my motto. I chose not to look at how many more days of separation lay ahead of us, but how many we had put behind us. I involved Daddy in our lives as much as possible, talking about him to our little girl and helping her remember him in her life and her prayers each day, Every week, I sent him a care package filled with goodies, pictures, and a DVD burned from our video camera of the mundane, regular, silly-life things that I knew he would be missing.

We spoke on the phone about every other day, and were frequently able to get online and chat between phone calls. It was another gratitude-inducing experience to appreciate modern technologies and realize how much more difficult it had been in previous years without the advantage of long-distance phone calls, email chats, and Skype.

We moved on like this, one day at a time, looking for the good things, making plans to look forward to, awaiting the day we could be together again.